Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
