He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
3 2 1 whiskey
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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