There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How does it feel to date your dad?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
