just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
