Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize