I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
