we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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