Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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