I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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