New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
