Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
