It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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