I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
