did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize