Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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