My liver just broke up with me...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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