go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
