SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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