I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
