Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my phone needs a breathalizer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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