new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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