for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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