soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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