Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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