It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
