I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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