dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
