3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize