Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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