some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
