My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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