Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
