I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
