Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
