Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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