On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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