tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize