All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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