I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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