god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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