I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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