Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
