Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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