God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
