I CAN MOONWALK!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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