my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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