Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
