Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
