Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize