I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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