me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
