is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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