i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
