Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
