i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
