This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
