I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
