Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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