3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
