took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize