It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize