she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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