he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
