Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
