you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
