I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
